I am the savior of the modern economy

You might have seen Slate's recent article on the current state of the trucking industry. Essentially, it's not doing all that fantastic. Shipments are down, road congestion is up, and tonnage volume is way down from a year before.

On the other hand, the stocks of railroad companies are soaring, and fast. Check it out:

But even as truckers encountered speed-checks, railroads closed the books on a record-breaking year. The fourth quarter was the occasion for particular chest-thumping from the big railroads. On Jan. 25, Union Pacific reported excellent fourth-quarter earnings: Operating income soared 52 percent from the 2005 fourth quarter, and metrics like car loads and average revenue per car were higher.

Slate's explanation is all of the usual suspects, like increased demand for ethanol and coal; commodities that railroads haul almost exclusively. But I think this explanation of why UP is doing so well recently misses one major factor:

Me.

Think about it. Since I started working for UP, its stock has risen almost 20%. Other metrics, like velocity, fuel efficiency, and car loads, have increased as well. And my participation in this summer's Corporate Cycling Challenge helped the company destroy its competition. Take that, Nebraska Med Center.

Do you think it's a "coincidence" that since I joined the company, disgraced Bush Administration officials have decided to rebuild their credibility by joining UP's board of directors?

The only conclusion I can draw from this overwhelming body of evidence is that I am the savior of not only the Union Pacific Railroad, but the modern economy as well. I await my call from Paul Wolfowitz and Ben Bernake and the other usual suspects. I'm pretty sure they have my phone number.

I hear consultation to ex-neocons pays pretty well, too.